February 6, 2009
WASHINGTON — U.S. President Barack Obama has announced that war against Winter has begun.
In his address at 0315 GMT Thursday, Obama said:
- That every effort would be made to spare the lives of innocent civilians,
- But the campaign will be “broad and concerted” and will use “decisive force.
- No outcome but victory will be accepted,
- America’s warmth will be defended, and warmth will be brought to others.
In a prepared speech Obama stated that, “the outcomes of past wars, such as: The War On Drugs, The War On Poverty, and The War on Terror have pretty much sucked. America needs to defend itself from vague, undefined enemies that U.S. Forces are able to conquer.
Obama cited findings from the marmot, Punxsutawney Phil, who declared winter was far from over and could stretch on for at least another six weeks.
“We cannot be held hostage by the freedom-hating ravages of Winter,” Obama declared.
“We will take the war to Winter and stop at nothing until Winter has been defeated and Spring has been restored.”
Where Winter declares its homeland appears vague. There were mentions of regions such as The North Pole, Iceland, and Siberia.
In post-press conference remarks, Geir Haarde, the outgoing prime minister of Iceland said, “AAAAAAACH! Jesus, that’s all we need. Our government is in complete financial colapse because every frickin’ American had to have a home they couldn’t afford and now we’re going to get bunker buster bombs up our ass because America can’t go 2 god damn months without declaring war on something. That’s fucking great.”
In closing remarks, Obama stated that the attacks on Winter would be sharp, decisive and immediate. “
President Obama was asked by reporters at the press conference, “Is Winter going to be a long war?” President Obama answered, “No, I don’t believe it is.”
But he declined to give a timeline or predict what the U.S. troop level will be at the end of Winter.
“2 days, 2 weeks… I don’t think it will be 2 months. But the resilience and determination of the American people will not faulter. We will not stop until the last vestiges of Winter are gone and Spring sees a new dawn in America and the world,” Obama said.