I feel like I'm moving through sludge.
I plod through my task list like a dead robot.
I keep hitting refresh on Reddit just hoping for a new story to avoid doing anything. This week can't end fast enough. But it grinds on for a seeming eternity.
This is the desert.
I think you end up here more often than you actually go here.
It's a place of nothing.
All the resonance of the world and universe are gone. They have left you. You can't hear anything. The world and God are telling you nothing. It's just you and the vast expanse of nothing.
There were some verses found written on the wall in Mother Teresa's home for children in Calcutta. You can click here and read them all. But a couple jump at me in this time in my life:
This is Mother Teresa we're talking about here. This isn't some schlub like me. She was an actual woman of God. I'm quite sure she spent much time in this barren wasteland of spiritual nothingness.
When you get to this point I am telling you: it feels like God has left you. You listen. You ask. And all you get is radio silence.
But the truth is actually different.
The problem is, God's radio signal is really weak. God is calling from a trillion miles away and a dimension you can't even possibly imagine.
When you are in a place like the place I am today there is simply too much static. Too much ego. Too much fatigue. Too much anxiety. You are surrounded by too much noise.
God hasn't left me. I left God.
Don't get me wrong. I don't blame myself. I'm just in a trash compactor of bullshit at the moment. I'm finding it hard to even appreciate the dollar menu at Taco Bell right now. I can't find resonance anywhere.
But even more crazy, God is talking to me right now. I know it. God hasn't gone anywhere. I just can't hear it.
I didn't come here to give you a "whoa is me" post. You are all so wonderful. You have so much love and kindness and compassion. I know you love me.
I wrote this to those of you who find yourselves in this place from time to time. Maybe you're right here with me now.
Sometimes you just have to sit in the muck. There's no chance in hell you are going to get out of it today, no matter how much you might wish otherwise.
Just sit here. Struggling just makes it worse.
Sleep, if you can. Eat, if you can. Drink water, if you can. But most of all, have faith that God has indeed not forsaken you. Even if you don't believe in God, that's cool. You can't leave the universe and the universe can't leave you. We are all one. We are all loved.
Just believe it. That's a fact you can take to the bank.
(Oh. And January sucks.)