So this is the big one. This is the one that actually controls my life. When I’m weak and insecure, I add a little possible outside disdain and I just crumble. It is my Achilles heal, my kryptonite. It is the iconic archetype of weakness in my life.
Why am I telling you all this? I have a belief that if you can name something, if you get something out into the light, it suddenly isn’t as bad as it seems. Plus, I’m too cheap to go to a therapist and I really like removing hierarchy from everything in life. So, I’ll let the collective “you” be my therapist.
I realize that I probably can’t fix the single most sensitive issue of my life in a day. But I can definitely start working on it.
What’s the worst case scenario if someone is mad at me?
Well, let’s see. I’ll do something by mistake that either hurts someone emotionally (or god forsake physically) and then they will be injured. They will be hurting and they’ll blame me. Their pain will be my fault. They’ll be out there upset and seithing that I wronged them. I have upset their life. I screwed it up. I think actually, this concerns me more with people that aren’t in my closest circle of friends and family. I’m not totally sure that’s true. But I think the most painful times are when I think I’ve wronged someone that is a casual acquaintence.
Now here’s the reality of all that. Who gives a crap? Granted, if you phyisically hurt someone, that’s a bit of a different story. But have you ever actually physically hurt someone? I don’t know that has ever really happened. Many times when I’m concerned I’ve upset someone, I often haven’t. It has all been in my mind. I’ve been the one upset. They have just gone on with their life. I bet there have also been times when I’ve wronged someone, they’ve been upset and I didn’t even know it. So, my judgement of when I’ve hurt someone is not that great. Also, people make mistakes! Cut yourself some slack, Sage. You aren’t perfect. You are a human being. You care about people. You want to be helpful and kind. That’s your nature. If you slip up and say something that upsets someone, let it go. You made a mistake. There rarely will be some major fall out. And even if there is some major fall out, you are a master negotiator. You can make things alright.
Why do I feel this way?
Is it because I want others to be sensitive to my feelings so I’m hypersensitive to theirs? That could be. I am obsessed with empathy. It’s probably because I want people to return the favor. I know that people are either empathetic or not. And what’s worse, if they aren’t empathetic, they won’t know that I’m being empathetic. So all my concern will fall of deaf ears. The psycho analyst in me says that I probably wanted my dad to be more understanding of the feelings of a 7 year old before he left. That is the big day in my life, after all. 1979, when I was 7. I always felt that day gave me Responsibility, which is my greatest strength. But now that I think about it, it also gave me an obsessive people pleasing characteristic.
Here’s? some good news already. Apparently there’s a bunch of web sites out there all about people pleasing. So already you have helped me out. 🙂 I’m going to read up on this some more.
Comments
3 responses to “I?m afraid when people might be angry at me.”
Don’t confuse compassion with empathy and recognize that that sensitivity is a true virtue. You did hit a key ideal that compassion for others includes compassion for yourself. We can only do what we can do and we can always strive to try to do better.
Read jack Ricchuito’s blog for some good wisdom. Maybe when we get together, we’ll invite Jack.
Interesting.. never knew, but, then again, I’ve never been empathetic, nor compassionate, nor forgiving, and hence never much thought about the feelings of others, ever. Yet, I expected these traits from other people. Thinking back to events from growing up, (which I may have forgotten some that you & others may not), can’t think of any situation in which my presence was a positive thing. Guess, “My name is Earl” is a little too close to home sometimes.. figure, if I were to make a list, that the first hundred or so things would be stuff to make right by Sage and Clayde. Some of those things, there is no way to ever fix. Your concerns may fall on deaf ears at this moment, but things change with time, and, sometimes it takes therapy and pharmaceuticals to bring people around. If you don’t have that kind of time, be blunt and whack them with a clue stick a couple of times. Who said there is nothing to fear but fear itself?, in a previous blog, your list of fears is really normal, and healthy. Something would be wrong if you didn’t have the fears about marriage, and fatherhood, and Indiana. Not having fear can be far more dangerous, because you can become reckless. A normal amount of fear keeps you grounded, and rational. Which you really seem to be, and it has safely gotten you this far. If you are paranoid or phobic, obsessive about these fears, listen to the people around you.. they tend to let you know. Your good people.. there’s my $.02.
Hey there dude!
Thanks so much for writing. If anyone was wronged, it was you.
It’s interesting to think about growing up. I don’t consider it very often. But looking back, we were a pretty tough group… on each other. Do you remember that one kid my mom baby sat? We constantly were beating the crap out of that kid. The only “normal” family life any of us had was Timm’s family (true nuclear), and he was just as messed up as the rest of us.
We were all damaged.
You never did anything that needs righting. We were all just trying to survive.
And all in all, I think we did pretty good.