I have been thinking a lot about fear recently. I guess mostly the reason I’ve been thinking about it is that I’ve been feeling afraid. It’s been general fear. Not fearful of one particular thing just afraid for afraid’s sake.
As I started to think about fear, I realized that I’m actually a fearful person. One of the biggest deciding factors of quiting drinking was the intense fear I would feel after a hard night of drinking. I was afraid of what I said, who I embarrased, who I got angry. It just freaked me out.
I know what my A #1 fear is. I’ve always known it. I’m dreadfully afraid of what people think of me. The funny think is, though, everytime those words come out of my mouth or are written down, I know how absolutely rediculous that is. What the hell do I care what people think of me? I run my business different than everyone tells me to. I went to college different than everyone told me to. I do exactly what I want, when I want. I guess, though, that kind of thing doesn’t scare me. I don’t mind people thinking that I’m unusual. I’ve always kind of relished in that. My big fear is that someone is going to be angry at me. They are going around stewing at something I did. I hate the idea of people not liking me.
So, that’s my major hang up. I don’t want people to be angry at me.
As I considered this, however, I realized that I’m actually afraid of many, many things. Most of these things I don’t even really realize that I’m afraid of. So, I wanted to start a list of these things. I don’t know exactly what I’ll do with this list. But I guess a list is a good place to start.
Here we go:
- I’m afraid when people might be angry at me.
- I’m afraid of failing at business.
- I’m afraid of failing at marriage.
- I’m afraid of failing at fatherhood.
- I’m afraid of getting fat again
- I’m afraid of being hungry to lose weight.
- I’m afraid of starting smoking again.
- I’m afraid Rocco will bite Indy.
- I’m afraid Indiana’s other kidney will get bad.
- I’m afraid Indy will seriously injure himself.
- I’m afraid I won’t be able to grow SageRock well.
- I’m afraid I will be a poor leader.
- I’m afraid of getting a cold.
- I’m afraid of throwing up.
- I’m afraid I’ll get cancer.
See. I told you I was afraid.
I’ll keep adding to the list if I think of others. I’m sure there are many more. I’ll come back when I’m good and scared.
My next step here, I think, is to start working in these fears. My thought is, if I start submerging myself in these I can start loosening their grip on my life.